I was very lucky that my parents weren't devout christians. They did take us to church a few times, but my dad wasn't the biggest fan of churches. My dad worked on the road alot and Sundays were a day for him to sleep in. My dad also had a few spell books and other occult items kept in a trunk in the basement. My dad said that I could look at them as long as I put them back. He also got the catalogs from World Wide Curios every year. So I have seen many occult/ Pagan items from an early age. I tried to be a good christian and fit in with the crowd. But christianity never felt good to me. I was always feeling empty and some things didn't make sense to me. I considered myself a christian , even when I didn't feel like one. One of my last attempts as a kid of being a good christian was ruined by a holy roller. I had been going to church for a month, and I got sick. Stuck in bed for a week sick. So I missed two Sundays of Church. The very next Sunday when I was finally feeling back to normal, I went back to church. And this one lady walked up to me and said, " I thought you were going to be religious." That was the last time as a kid I stepped into a church.
When I finally moved out from home I decided that it was time to research various religous groups that I had read about when I was a kid. So I went to the local library and checked out some books and I did a lot of reading. I concentrated on the holy lands and I read about Zorastrianism. I couldn't get much information about them, and from what I read it seemed like a decent path. I tried to find more information, from a small town library, it is rather hard to find anything about other religions. I decided that I was going to be better than the christians around me and labeled myself a "Magi Humanist" . I loved the self adopted title and freedom I had. But I was young, impatient, and busy at work. When things didn't get better with getting information I got bored and walked away from that path.
These were the pre-internet days. I feel in love with role-playing and war games. Those two hobbies filled my love for history and my spare time. I was able to learn about my heritage by researching for the roleplaying games. Many years pass and I a non-practicing christian.
I then started my family and went through two failed marriages. I acted like the good little christian in both marriages. Went through the marriage counciling with ministers so that I could get married in a church. Both events were terrible experiences. The first was through the salvation army minister that my first wife liked. And the second marriage I had to go through two different ministers because the first minister said he couldn't marry us after 5 weeks of conciling because we were living together. Which really pissed us off. I was trying to work past my doubts and be a devout christian boy so that I could be a good husband. Well the second marriage ended ugly. The mind games that I went through had placed a lot of damage to myself. I was a mental mess. During the divorce I bought myself my own computer and I started to connect with the world around me. My second wife hated the internet. I started to talk to non-believers, I had started to buy pagan books. Then the best thing that happened to me occured. I was checking out Yahoo chatrooms, and I found this one religion room full of non-christians. I learned so much from these people. The troubles that I was having with the bible was explained to me. They showed me contradictions in the bible. We exchanged stories, like when the JW's come knocking on the door. I was starting to see the world differently. I was at a night anger class, and a man started to talk about how he started to change his life, he was reading about bhuddism. It made me think, and I started to realize that the way I have been thinking has been changing my life as well. I continued talking in the chatrooms, read pagan/celtic books, and a lot of self reflection. I made a few very good pagan friends and I was thinking about following a celtic pagan path. But I still had a lot of issues to work out. My night anger class was showing me that I was not the super evil person at fault with everything. In fact, they showed some instances were I was the victim. Some things I was guilty of in my second marriage, but not all. I was starting to put my pieces back together.
Early Spring in Iowa and I decided to go to the state park and have a walk. I think best when I am walking one of the many trails. I was thinking of my life and how everything was starting to make sense to me now. I knew that what was in the past was wrong. History has shown what was the right things to do. Before I was back to my car, I denouced christianity and devoted myself to honoring the Earth. I felt wonderful, I was looking through a new set of eyes. The world and I felt as one. I declared myself pagan.
I did a lot of research over the years. taking notes and refining the information out there. I was Scot/Irish and I was going to follow the path of my ancestors. I was going to be a druid. Easier said than done. But that is the path that I am on. I have devoted myself to study Celtic traditions and anything that is connected with Celtic traditions and history. I knew of the ways the church converted pagans to christianity and it made me sick. I learned of the witch trials. I talked and helped out other pagans. I felt absolutely wonderful helping others. And I learned about the druids as being teachers as well. It felt wonderful walking down this path.
The road was rocky, I doubted myself many times. But with every obsticle that I overcame I became stronger. I left being the person everyone else thought I should be and became the person I wanted to be. The Journey has been rough but it helped make me the Pagan I am today.
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